Some people are really fucked up.
Grr...I don't know what to do...or think...or say...Or even feel for that matter.
Chance was someone I considered a friend. Not a real close one, but one nonetheless...Now I'm trying to figure out if there was something I was supposed to be looking for...I know it's pointless to think that maybe I could have changed something...but it's still a question in the back of my head.
And then there's the fact that as soon as the dreaded word suicide was mentioned, several people decided that no, that couldn't be it and wont even think of the possiblity....And then promptly tried to bury the fact that the number one prime cause of teenage death is suicide. And they don't do it for those who aren't there anymore, they do it for themselves.
Just because they deny that it happens isn't going to make it any better. And from my view point...it makes it all worse because no one talks about it and then all we're (we being teenagers) left with is the misguided fact that maybe, suicide will take us away and give us some measure of peace where we can't find any here.
And no one even tries to make them understand that it is not! Because they're too busy either thinking that person is full of shit, or because they have their head stuck so far up their ass that they can't find the time to talk to them about it and maybe give that person a reason to live.
It leaves a scream trying to bubble up my throat and I'm stuck with the need to wrap my hands around several choice people's necks and squeeze real real hard.
It makes me sick.
And because of all that I'm not sure of the truth of it...And that really bugs me. I will pray no matter what though.
I want to go to his funeral.
::takes a deep shuddering breath and lets it out::
Another thing that bothers me is that....when someone I know dies...I know they wont be there anymore, but I still feel as if...something...is there that holds a small candle to what used to be there...Like my Grandpa. Although that was so much more stronger then a candle. But now...I feel....nothing. No feelings, no....anything.
Anyway, I guess I'll let that set for a while.

Had a weird dream the other night.
Sandi...and Aric, and Liam and Walter were in it...I think it was because I wasn't sleeping very well and I was supposed to wake up really early, go pick up Liam and then go and meet Sandi.
But yeah, it had really bright colored mutant frog-fishies that would attack people and for some odd reason they were really freaking me out.
::shrugs:: I dunno.
We were trying to move a lady and the town we were in looked like Madrid, but it was supposed to be in Albuquerque....
The dreams I had last night weren't nearly as weird. More relaxing then anything.
It was like I didn't really have any pressing to do...and so I just wondered.
Anyhoo.
Back to reality.
Yesterday I got to pull the trailer with the big truck. That was interesting. I was used to Nae's trailer because...well...That's the only trailer I've actually pulled. So, this itty bitty one kept freaking me out because I couldn't see it and it was bouncing all over the place and then I would forget I had it behind me and I would take a sharp turn and remember half way into the turn so I would panic. But it was all good. Didn't hit a curb once.
And I like the fact that, while empty, you could pick it up by hand and move it. We were trying to back it up once and it wasn't cooperating. Walter was driving because he has a CDL and I couldn't do it because we were in a hurry. I wanted to....But oh well.
So yeah, it wasn't cooperating and this big broad shouldered guy comes walking up and we're both watching to make sure Walter didn't back up into anything when I get this great idea. I looked at this guy and I mean he's got shoulders "this big around!" ::grin:: and you could tell he was kinda flaunting it.
But anyway I tell Walter to stop and go over to the trailer and try to push it up onto it's side, and it kinda worked! So I called Aric and Liam over when the guy walks up to me and asks me if I was thinking what he was thinking and I grinned, so he turns around and promptly moves the thing all by himself.
It was great.
Walter was like, ok, whatever. I kinda got the impression that we might have offended him. I didn't have time to really say anything....and then when I did it seemed like maybe I was wrong.
He kept picking on me because I was short. I'm like dude! Everyone is shorter then you!. He's like, 6'4" or 5"
So, like, I'd get out of the truck and then we'd have to back it up and he'd have to try to scrunch in far enough to push the seat back, complaining loud enough for me to hear the whole time.
Then I would get back into the truck sometime later and couldn't reach either of the pedals so I'd start yelling at him.
Hehehe, it was fun.
Yelling at Aric and Liam was fun too.
They were being really disgusting. ::makes face::
Hm, gotta go.
Nae and Liam are over here playing Hunter with Aric.
Feel like I should go start bugging Aric and Liam.

Mm...tired...again...
Sandi sent some sleepy medicine home with me the last time I was at her house.
She warned me that there would be weird dreams but I didn't know it would be that weird....All the dreams are all in extremely vivid colors and they like, speed by so I can never catch all that's going on.
I was really enjoying them until Buffy had puppies. Now I'm not asleep long enough to have them because the puppies keep waking me up.
Plus, I've had to work Fri. and Sat. 14 hours straight.
Damn but I'm tired.
I was really glad that Aric was in the car with me on Sun.
I don't think I would have been able to drive otherwise...which...would have sucked so bad.
Hmm...I'm just kinda...going over my weekend...and stuff. I hated being so tired because I wasn't able to right everything down...I find that I can unload a lot easier ranting in this thing, but yeah, anyhoo.
Orc Ball on Sun. was great. Marty tackled me twice. The first time surprised me but the second time I saw it coming, just couldn't move fast enough.
And he tackled me with Julie and Nae. lol, everyone was screaming. It didn't hurt too bad but I think I landed on Julie so I didn't get the impact with the ground.
Hehehe, Aric got hit in the crotch. It was great. He turned extremely pale and couldn't stand up for 10 minutes, and then he kinda had to waddle away.

I guess I had a fever today or something...I wasn't feeling good and kept falling asleep. Then Carol came over and poked at me which made me feel a whole hell of a lot better. Now I'm just tired without all the queasiness.
She said my 'heart shield' was really soft. Usually she's always comments about how strong and dense it is. I thought that was weird...

I was lazy all day. I decided to paint my nails. Haven't done that in a while and when I did I had this pink thing going on...so I put on this purple green shit. It looks all weird. Then I was gonna take a bath but lost interest.
Then, I got out this bag of clothes Sandi gave me. It had this kickass green silk skirt in there. It screams SCA. There was also this other dress that I want to wear sometime...need to like...have a party or something this year. Wonder what I should do...
Right, rambling
Dude, people at garage sales are creepy!
There were these old people that would act like they were gonna come across the counter and chew off your head if you didn't sell them all this shit for practically nothing. And then there were these people that would take a liking to you and follow you around to see what you did.
First day was fun, if tiring. Second day I was seriously getting creeped out. I did not want to be there. I wanted to go home so damn bad.
But hey, we have room in the Angel's storage units now.
We could probably let one go so Sandi wont have to pay for it.
Dude, it was so fucking annoying. I had no balance at all this weekend. I kept tripping over my own feet and dropping stuff. It sucked.
I was so mad. I was already feeling....ickish. I didn't need that. Usually, I'm pretty good on my feet but noo.....
I couldn't talk straight either. Like halfway into my sentences I would get distracted.
And then Sandi would send me to do something and by the time I got there I would have been stopped so many times to direct Aric and Walter or price something that I would forget what I was supposed to be doing.
::suddenly feels like spazzing but can't find the energy::
Yay! I'm director of junior activities for Angels now. SWEET!! Can't wait to seriously get started.
I have all these ideas now.
I guess I should shut up now.

Stupid dog....such a whore...

Buffy had her puppies today. Stupid dog kept me up all friggin' night. I got maybe 5 hours sleep and I had worked yesterday too. Feel like crap today.
So, when she woke me up for the 5th time around 10:00 I told Aric to see if she wanted outside, so what does he do? He pauses the game kicks her outside, closes the door and goes back to playing. 30 minutes later my mom comes in, freaks out, and wants to know where Buffy is. Well, I don't know what the fuck Aric was thinking but when a dog is about to have pups she's gonna look for a place to hide and have them.
Fucking idiot...
So, we look, and we look and she's not coming when we call her and we can't hear her.
We basically knew she was under the house though, just not where...Aric was still acting like his usual self thought...About an hour later I went out and yelled for her.
We found that she had not only gone under the house but had dug her way from there under Einstein's house...And I couldn't reach her or the babies so we had to dig our way around and drag them out...
Got her into my room...
She had 9 pups but only 6 survived.
I hate bein' so friggin' shaky all the time
Sandi gave me a butt load more meds to take...I was all yay...Apparently I keep re-infecting(?) myself with arsenic. Lovely I said.
Ugh.
Need...more...energy....Damnit.
Went to the park Sun....fought a couple of times and just about died....then went to play Orc Ball and realized just how far away from dying I was at practice and nearly passed out.
Didn't realize how out of shape I was. Got my ass kicked fencing. That made me feel really good. Especially since Baron Trevor is wanting me to fight...and I have to fight with him....God...Sometimes I'm really not looking forward to Estrella.
Dude....Jeremy IMed me today....It was weird.

Mm...tired...as usual

Mmm...tired.
Making a devil's food cake. Yummy...I need icing....Eh, I guess I'll just use the stuff in the cabinet. I wanted that chocolate whipped stuff though. Oh well.
Found a new pic. She looks a lot better on my desktop.
The artist does kickass work. Wish I could draw that well.
Eh, don't feel like practicing. Damn me and having no motivation what so ever.
::heaves sigh then gets stuck in the middle of a yawn::
Dude, I was up until 2:freakin' 30 last night.
I had two cups of coffee because I was so tired and I just wanted to stay up to finish Hannible.
I had forgotten I hadn't had coffee in a little over 4 months.
So, yeah, that sucks, 'cuz now I'm all sorts of tired.

Well, Sandi called...Sat. I believe and asked if I had made up my mind about the directorship....I said yes ::covers head with arms and waits for 20 ton anvil to fall::
Shit, I'm an idiot and a glutton for punishment to boot.
On to another less sensitive subject...

We can't install my radio into the S-10 without these...wire things...And we can't find them anywhere. I might have to go and get some...I don't want to...Don't really have the stupid money but oh well.
Dad has trouble staying awake on the drive home without the radio. Joy...
But hey! I can drive the standard now. Or at least better. I'm still having problems finding the friction point, or whatever it's called.
Hmm...need to find camera for Marty's birthday party.
Hehehe, Uncle Bruce called this morning to see if I could pick the kids up from school and I told him that I had the S-10 and there were only 2 back seats. He said to just throw them in the back of the camper.
I would have enjoyed that...::grin::
Spencer destroyed a couple of things the last time he was here....little mofo.
Eh, need to leave in...12 minutes. I don't want to!
Ugh. Whatever.
Tired. To get a cup of coffee or not to get a cup of coffee....I want to go to Starbucks...Maybe I'll drag David, Ablaeza and Mel there next weekend.
I keep trying to get them all in one spot but they're not cooperating. Wish Chance was here. That'd be great.

Dude, Valley Farm & Ranch changed their name? What's with that?
Ok, need to split.

::calmly duct tapes subject and sticks it in the closet::

Ugh...back...hurts...
Went to the SuperBull last night with Brett and Sean....hehehehehe....the bulls kicked everyone's ass.
It was great. It didn't even look like they were really having to work very hard either.
Went by Village Inn afterwards and ate. That Apple Sizzle was crap. Made my stomach hurt. Stupid Village Inn.
But it was fun talking to Brett and Sean.
I guess Sean got a new car and that's what we drove in. It has red inside lights ::grin::
Then on the way home we needed to get gas and decided to see if there was an Anime game. There was!
Kirby and Eric were there.
I eventually had to drag Brett out...Wish I didn't have to but I got really sick.
Stupid....crap....Anyway.
Yeah, had fun.
And that's all she wrote...

::Resists pounding head on computer table::

It's too feking early. I hate early mornings....
And that alarm clock. I'm gonna smash. I think that will help me feel better immensely. Yes....Excellent ::taps fingers together evilly::
Everytime I set my alarm clock, I awake up an hour to an hour and half before it goes off. Pisses me off. Then, I can't go back to sleep, or if I am, it's not a restful sleep. It's the sleep that does more harm then good. A waste of one hour and perfectly good sleep! Damnit.
I mean, it's not like I get up on schedule. I had it set for 6:30am and I woke up at 5:00am....Last time I had it set it was, like, for 7:00am...Woke up at 6:00am.
Makes my head hurt just thinking about it...so I guess I wont.

I think Aric stole my chapstick. Sneaky bastard.....And I really really need it.....
::heaves sigh:: Shit....It's gotten to where we don't even get one thing fixed before something else goes wrong...
Sandi told us to look on the bright side....We don't have to get the van fixed anymore.
I was baby-sitting the Wildman kids when my mom called sounding really shook up. Which, I'm kinda used to for several different reasons so I didn't think anything of it until I could make sense of what she was saying.
She said that she had just been talking to Dad on the phone when he was hit by another car or hit another car and that she could hear him and it sounded like he was having a really hard time breathing.
People had started yelling when the connection was lost.
From that point on there was like this chanting in the back of my head "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God..."
She called me because she couldn't think of anyone she could call that could find him.
I told her that if he didn't call in 15 minutes to tell us that everything was ok to call me back and we'd start calling the hospitals or something.
She ended up switching and calling my uncle, asking him to look for Dad.
Which, at the time before the accident he could have been anywhere between here and tim-buck-two. 'Course we did know he was on the highway at the time...but that was it.
Anyway....I called Aunt Dana....Made sure it was ok if I left the kids there or took them with me if I had to leave. 'Bout ten minutes later mom called back and said that Dad was ok, but he'd call us again to tell us what was going on.
Thirty minutes after that Dana got there and I left for home.
The van is completely totaled.
I called Sandi because I sure as hell didn't know what condition Dad was in and what to do legally or how to find him a Dr to see.
Then mom told me that Sharon was gonna meet us there.
Looking back it was funny.
We got there asking for him and they said that someone had just been there looking for him and to check at the nurses station. The nurses station tried to send us back into the check in place but finally told us that he was already discharged. We found him and Sharon in the waiting room.
And Sandi got there right after us.
When she asked for him they told her he already had a militia after him in the waiting room.
I don't think Dad was too happy at first for us calling everyone to meet us there.
But in the end it was what we needed to do...
Just wish I didn't have to call Sandi.
She's had a beyond shitty week.
George has phenomena and so he can't go in for cancer surgery, so he's at Sandi's in critical condition because the Dr wont admit him. Fucking Dr.s.
And she had also been a friend to one of the people who died in the three person shooting last week or whenever that happened.
She had also just broken some toes on her right foot so she was weaving all over the place because she had no real balance.

Need to take Dad to the Dr now....