Dead end again.

So, in general it feels like I'm wondering around in the dark barefoot and I keep stubbing the shit out of my toes. Like, to the point of bleeding.

I'm so frustrated. I'm not where I want to be in life, I'm not who I want to be, and its no one else's fault but mine for getting myself into this mess. And what makes it so much worse is that for the most part I don't really know who, what, or where I really do want to be. Sometimes I think I see what path I want to take, but it's always changing and I feel that I'm just watching everything I feel and want run through my fingers like so much wasted time.

I have no friends here. I left them to be with someone that I hardly have anything in common with. I don't want to regret it because I really do love him and I think that the steps I took to get to this point were the ones needed to keep the relationship going. I thought he was someone that could support me and be a friend to me.
And he is my friend....He just has no idea who I am and doesn't always seem to want to know. He's on his path and if I want to follow, then I have to drop a lot of things that I believe in and there's no exceptions.
I think I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to school next year. I'm going to save up and move out.
But where? I don't want to go back to NM, but in reality, that's the only place that feels like home....
I don't know anymore.
I really like it here, and I enjoy my job and it would be hard to change now. I think I will complete my nursing here and then move...where ever.
I don't want to go to VA anymore. I feel like the ties Nicole and I had are being forgotten for Julian. I feel like thats selfish. But its how I feel.

I want to know who I am or can be. I want to be happy. Not just content. I'm closer than I was when I was in NM. But I still have a ways to go.