Some people are really fucked up.
Grr...I don't know what to do...or think...or say...Or even feel for that matter.
Chance was someone I considered a friend. Not a real close one, but one nonetheless...Now I'm trying to figure out if there was something I was supposed to be looking for...I know it's pointless to think that maybe I could have changed something...but it's still a question in the back of my head.
And then there's the fact that as soon as the dreaded word suicide was mentioned, several people decided that no, that couldn't be it and wont even think of the possiblity....And then promptly tried to bury the fact that the number one prime cause of teenage death is suicide. And they don't do it for those who aren't there anymore, they do it for themselves.
Just because they deny that it happens isn't going to make it any better. And from my view point...it makes it all worse because no one talks about it and then all we're (we being teenagers) left with is the misguided fact that maybe, suicide will take us away and give us some measure of peace where we can't find any here.
And no one even tries to make them understand that it is not! Because they're too busy either thinking that person is full of shit, or because they have their head stuck so far up their ass that they can't find the time to talk to them about it and maybe give that person a reason to live.
It leaves a scream trying to bubble up my throat and I'm stuck with the need to wrap my hands around several choice people's necks and squeeze real real hard.
It makes me sick.
And because of all that I'm not sure of the truth of it...And that really bugs me. I will pray no matter what though.
I want to go to his funeral.
::takes a deep shuddering breath and lets it out::
Another thing that bothers me is that....when someone I know dies...I know they wont be there anymore, but I still feel as if...something...is there that holds a small candle to what used to be there...Like my Grandpa. Although that was so much more stronger then a candle. But now...I feel....nothing. No feelings, no....anything.
Anyway, I guess I'll let that set for a while.
Had a weird dream the other night.
Sandi...and Aric, and Liam and Walter were in it...I think it was because I wasn't sleeping very well and I was supposed to wake up really early, go pick up Liam and then go and meet Sandi.
But yeah, it had really bright colored mutant frog-fishies that would attack people and for some odd reason they were really freaking me out.
::shrugs:: I dunno.
We were trying to move a lady and the town we were in looked like Madrid, but it was supposed to be in Albuquerque....
The dreams I had last night weren't nearly as weird. More relaxing then anything.
It was like I didn't really have any pressing to do...and so I just wondered.
Anyhoo.
Back to reality.
Yesterday I got to pull the trailer with the big truck. That was interesting. I was used to Nae's trailer because...well...That's the only trailer I've actually pulled. So, this itty bitty one kept freaking me out because I couldn't see it and it was bouncing all over the place and then I would forget I had it behind me and I would take a sharp turn and remember half way into the turn so I would panic. But it was all good. Didn't hit a curb once.
And I like the fact that, while empty, you could pick it up by hand and move it. We were trying to back it up once and it wasn't cooperating. Walter was driving because he has a CDL and I couldn't do it because we were in a hurry. I wanted to....But oh well.
So yeah, it wasn't cooperating and this big broad shouldered guy comes walking up and we're both watching to make sure Walter didn't back up into anything when I get this great idea. I looked at this guy and I mean he's got shoulders "this big around!" ::grin:: and you could tell he was kinda flaunting it.
But anyway I tell Walter to stop and go over to the trailer and try to push it up onto it's side, and it kinda worked! So I called Aric and Liam over when the guy walks up to me and asks me if I was thinking what he was thinking and I grinned, so he turns around and promptly moves the thing all by himself.
It was great.
Walter was like, ok, whatever. I kinda got the impression that we might have offended him. I didn't have time to really say anything....and then when I did it seemed like maybe I was wrong.
He kept picking on me because I was short. I'm like dude! Everyone is shorter then you!. He's like, 6'4" or 5"
So, like, I'd get out of the truck and then we'd have to back it up and he'd have to try to scrunch in far enough to push the seat back, complaining loud enough for me to hear the whole time.
Then I would get back into the truck sometime later and couldn't reach either of the pedals so I'd start yelling at him.
Hehehe, it was fun.
Yelling at Aric and Liam was fun too.
They were being really disgusting. ::makes face::
Hm, gotta go.
Nae and Liam are over here playing Hunter with Aric.
Feel like I should go start bugging Aric and Liam.
Grr...I don't know what to do...or think...or say...Or even feel for that matter.
Chance was someone I considered a friend. Not a real close one, but one nonetheless...Now I'm trying to figure out if there was something I was supposed to be looking for...I know it's pointless to think that maybe I could have changed something...but it's still a question in the back of my head.
And then there's the fact that as soon as the dreaded word suicide was mentioned, several people decided that no, that couldn't be it and wont even think of the possiblity....And then promptly tried to bury the fact that the number one prime cause of teenage death is suicide. And they don't do it for those who aren't there anymore, they do it for themselves.
Just because they deny that it happens isn't going to make it any better. And from my view point...it makes it all worse because no one talks about it and then all we're (we being teenagers) left with is the misguided fact that maybe, suicide will take us away and give us some measure of peace where we can't find any here.
And no one even tries to make them understand that it is not! Because they're too busy either thinking that person is full of shit, or because they have their head stuck so far up their ass that they can't find the time to talk to them about it and maybe give that person a reason to live.
It leaves a scream trying to bubble up my throat and I'm stuck with the need to wrap my hands around several choice people's necks and squeeze real real hard.
It makes me sick.
And because of all that I'm not sure of the truth of it...And that really bugs me. I will pray no matter what though.
I want to go to his funeral.
::takes a deep shuddering breath and lets it out::
Another thing that bothers me is that....when someone I know dies...I know they wont be there anymore, but I still feel as if...something...is there that holds a small candle to what used to be there...Like my Grandpa. Although that was so much more stronger then a candle. But now...I feel....nothing. No feelings, no....anything.
Anyway, I guess I'll let that set for a while.
Had a weird dream the other night.
Sandi...and Aric, and Liam and Walter were in it...I think it was because I wasn't sleeping very well and I was supposed to wake up really early, go pick up Liam and then go and meet Sandi.
But yeah, it had really bright colored mutant frog-fishies that would attack people and for some odd reason they were really freaking me out.
::shrugs:: I dunno.
We were trying to move a lady and the town we were in looked like Madrid, but it was supposed to be in Albuquerque....
The dreams I had last night weren't nearly as weird. More relaxing then anything.
It was like I didn't really have any pressing to do...and so I just wondered.
Anyhoo.
Back to reality.
Yesterday I got to pull the trailer with the big truck. That was interesting. I was used to Nae's trailer because...well...That's the only trailer I've actually pulled. So, this itty bitty one kept freaking me out because I couldn't see it and it was bouncing all over the place and then I would forget I had it behind me and I would take a sharp turn and remember half way into the turn so I would panic. But it was all good. Didn't hit a curb once.
And I like the fact that, while empty, you could pick it up by hand and move it. We were trying to back it up once and it wasn't cooperating. Walter was driving because he has a CDL and I couldn't do it because we were in a hurry. I wanted to....But oh well.
So yeah, it wasn't cooperating and this big broad shouldered guy comes walking up and we're both watching to make sure Walter didn't back up into anything when I get this great idea. I looked at this guy and I mean he's got shoulders "this big around!" ::grin:: and you could tell he was kinda flaunting it.
But anyway I tell Walter to stop and go over to the trailer and try to push it up onto it's side, and it kinda worked! So I called Aric and Liam over when the guy walks up to me and asks me if I was thinking what he was thinking and I grinned, so he turns around and promptly moves the thing all by himself.
It was great.
Walter was like, ok, whatever. I kinda got the impression that we might have offended him. I didn't have time to really say anything....and then when I did it seemed like maybe I was wrong.
He kept picking on me because I was short. I'm like dude! Everyone is shorter then you!. He's like, 6'4" or 5"
So, like, I'd get out of the truck and then we'd have to back it up and he'd have to try to scrunch in far enough to push the seat back, complaining loud enough for me to hear the whole time.
Then I would get back into the truck sometime later and couldn't reach either of the pedals so I'd start yelling at him.
Hehehe, it was fun.
Yelling at Aric and Liam was fun too.
They were being really disgusting. ::makes face::
Hm, gotta go.
Nae and Liam are over here playing Hunter with Aric.
Feel like I should go start bugging Aric and Liam.
posted by Crystal at 12:29 PM
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