Dead end again.

So, in general it feels like I'm wondering around in the dark barefoot and I keep stubbing the shit out of my toes. Like, to the point of bleeding.

I'm so frustrated. I'm not where I want to be in life, I'm not who I want to be, and its no one else's fault but mine for getting myself into this mess. And what makes it so much worse is that for the most part I don't really know who, what, or where I really do want to be. Sometimes I think I see what path I want to take, but it's always changing and I feel that I'm just watching everything I feel and want run through my fingers like so much wasted time.

I have no friends here. I left them to be with someone that I hardly have anything in common with. I don't want to regret it because I really do love him and I think that the steps I took to get to this point were the ones needed to keep the relationship going. I thought he was someone that could support me and be a friend to me.
And he is my friend....He just has no idea who I am and doesn't always seem to want to know. He's on his path and if I want to follow, then I have to drop a lot of things that I believe in and there's no exceptions.
I think I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to school next year. I'm going to save up and move out.
But where? I don't want to go back to NM, but in reality, that's the only place that feels like home....
I don't know anymore.
I really like it here, and I enjoy my job and it would be hard to change now. I think I will complete my nursing here and then move...where ever.
I don't want to go to VA anymore. I feel like the ties Nicole and I had are being forgotten for Julian. I feel like thats selfish. But its how I feel.

I want to know who I am or can be. I want to be happy. Not just content. I'm closer than I was when I was in NM. But I still have a ways to go.

Aric and Amber's wedding!

Near death experience

So, I'm going to attempt to do this all in one run, but I still haven't recovered from the actual trip much so we'll see how this turns out.

Most of our family and friends still live in New Mexico so everyone didn't have to far to drive up to Salida, CO and Aric's wedding. Not many made it but it was understandable since the economy sucks so much and with my aunt so sick.

Joey and I had to drive 16 hours though, and oh my god, the passes in CO even in May are frickin' horrible. We almost didn't make the last half hour of the trip. We had made it to the very top of Monarch Pass, just west of Salida when, after driving through a ice storm in Cimarron and a blizzard somewhere in the middle of nowhere at 4am, my car decided that it had had enough of driving through 2 inches of hard packed snow. It was about 6am, you could see the light of the morning but no actual sun due to the heavy gray clouds that had formed over the area. Joey was crashed out in the passenger seat and after 14 hours of straight thru driving we were both sick of the car. We had been driving up the mountain for a while and the road conditions were just getting worse, and I was just about to try to find a place to turn around. We had not gotten a map of CO and I wasn't entirely certain if I had the correct directions or even how close we were if we hadn't taken a wrong turn.
My car then lost traction on the beginning of a curve and slid to a stop in the other lane facing the side of the road. We had a sheer cliff on one side and a solid rock wall on the side we were facing. We rocked to a stop and I was just thinking that "Thank God there had pretty much been no cars coming down the mountain so far" when I looked up and saw a semi full of cattle come roaring around the curve. By this time I had woken Joey up and he saw the truck the same time I did. I had enough time to roll the car into the side of the mountain, but the truck had still slammed on his breaks as much as he could and had begun to jack-knife. Joey had the door open and was yelling at me to get out of the car as we watched the truck lose all traction. There was no space between the actual road and the side of the mountain for me to really go into, but as the rear of the truck missed us by a couple of feet we realized that there was no guard rail on the portion of the road where he was careening towards. We could see that he had maybe about a foot before the front left wheel left the road. By some miracle, he managed to stay on the road long enough for it to make a curve in the other direction and he straighten out. While he straightened out and continued down the mountain Joey and I switched and we managed to get my car unstuck before anything else came down the road. However we no longer had any momentum to continue up the icy road and had to turn around. At this point I just wanted to go home.
It was and hour to the last town we had passed and any kind of phone reception. Sure enough though, we had to get over the mountain in order to get to Salida. We could take another 4 hours and go around the pass, but couldn't avoid any passes all together. Ugh. After 2 hours if debating though, we tried it again. By that time, apparently the graders had decided to melt the ice and snow off the roads. We managed to get into Salida with a couple of hours to spare before the wedding and pretty much no sleep. But we made it!

I love my car

First attempt at warmer activities

So!
Joey has had this three-wheeler that he’s been putzing around with for the last several months but hasn’t had a chance to take it out and see if it actually works. Last weekend we decided to try it out. I was looking forward to it because we went on a quick ride once while we were in VA and it sparked my interest. So, we drove south....south....south of Boise to the middle of nowhere with his creation. He had just gotten new tires and found out that his axle is slightly bent. There wouldn’t be much riding because of that but he’s been chomping on the bit for a while now. Anyhoo.
We get this area where there were a bunch of other riders and unload the "blingin’" three-wheeler and he immediately takes off and does a bunch of wheelies and turns etc. Its at this point that I notice he’s spending more time on only two wheels then he is on all 3, weither it be the back two or the front and one side....Reasurance? No.
He eventually comes back and smacks the only helmet and goggles on me and says we’re gonna go out a ways and see whats there. I think, cool, but of course don’t forget to mention that there will be no tricks or speeding while I’m on the bike. No sireee.
And of course, he nails it as soon as my ass touches the seat. Jerk. We went about a mile into the trails area with me screaming at him to slow the fuck down or let me off. We passed several riders and they gave us weird looks. And oh my god were there bumps. Several times we’d crest a hill and there would be this HOLE in which you could lose a large dog in, and we would just barely skim over it! And then there were mud puddles! And I forgot to mention that is was really fucking windy. Like, New Mexico prairie windy. I hate wind. Thought I had gotten away from it....Ick. And every time we’d even start to approach a steep hill he’d start to gun it! But right, so, my back is covered in mud, I’m frozen, and my muscles felt as if they would never be normal again from trying not to fall off.
So, I finally get him to stop and I get off to the tune of "I wasn’t going fast!" and I give him the helmet and tell him to go play. He gave me this look. It was cute. You know? The one where he really really wants to go but is afraid of the Girlfriend Feelings trap? Yeah, that one, but he eventually danced off and zipped beyond where I could see.
So, here I am, in the middle of nowhere, beyond where anyone else was, can’t hear Joey, or any other bikes anymore, and I realize that the holes we were going over on the trail was actually giant fucking burrows of some equally giant fucking creature! Seriously, 2 to 3 ft in diameter. What the hell? And I’m surrounded by them. Only these are obviously occupated. Right, and then I remember hearing my mom say there were wolverines in Idaho? in one of those conversations I wasn’t really paying attention to. And I’m like, Shit. How fast do wolverines move? And I start hearing chirping!! Like prairie dog warnings.
By this point I’m losing the fight to ignore my over active imagination and lookie there! Joey is back! So, he gets off the bike and is all animated and tells me how he came across these two guys farther up and one had drowned his bike in a mud hole? So, I was like, are we gonna help him get his bike out? Joey’s like, "Nah, but I blew out the spark plug in the bike and need to go back to the truck to tighten it" So, we switch with the helmet and I get back .. making him promise to not go over second gear. It was still really fast, but I stopped yelling.
It was fun, we ended up not doing too much after that because the wind started to pick up and we didn’t want to fuck up the bike because of the bent axle.
The other thing that was cool was that I got new shoes! They’re Merrel’s and really good hiking shoes so that I wouldn’t bust up my dress shoes while riding. I don’t have any other ones.
But yeah! I want summer to be here already!
Damnit

Quick update

I'm worn out!
But things are good. I successfully made the move to Boise, Idaho with James in the car. I also helped my cousin Dawn bring all her animals. So, it was like Doctor DooLittle Road trip in my itty bittty Toyota Tercel. Three cats, two dogs, and a rabbit. And assorted crap. This is kinda what it looked like.



Yeah, it was like that from Alamagordo, NM to Ogden, UT. 10 HOURS! And then, in some po-dunk town on the outskirts of the Utah/Colorado border I lock my keys in the car. Along with all the animals. Miraculously a Sheriff showed up and got it unlocks. I'm a total retard.
Denver was pretty. We stayed at a KOA which a cabin. Pretty basic but fun non-the-less.

Anyway, this was meant to be a pretty basic update and there were a lot of details to that trip.

I'm now in Boise, at a different house that we're renting and plan on being here for another 9 months due to bills etc. Found a job I like, at Wallpaper Warehouse. Get paid hourly with some possibilities of commission.

Ok, losing patience with typing so I'm gonna spew it out and attempt to explain or babble about the rest later.

::deep breath::
Aric is getting married in May, gonna drive down there with Joey and take many pictures.
David Romero joined the Marines and is in boot camp, which I find very entertaining.
Joey and I are trying to silently work out some problems, or maybe its just me trying to work out my own problems silently.
My mom and dad are finally going through with their divorce, property was FINALLY put on the market.
Debbie is back, sucking up all of my grandmother's money and playing the abused and tortured card, with a little "running and hidding from psychotic husband" to add a little spice.
EXCITED about warm weather and really looking forward to summer and summer activities. =)
Got a new bunny to keep James company but now need to get James fixed so it actually works
Ok, that's about it.....

Bye!

Ramblings

Well, its been a while hasn't it?
Lets see...Joey and I made it past our first one year anniversary, which was awesome. I drove up to Utah and helped him move some left over stuff from there to his new place in Idaho. He took me to two places over the weekend. One was Tucano's, which was fun! And they did have good food. =P. The other was the Cheesecake Factory, which is always delicious.
That was two weeks ago, ish. I miss him again.
I'm so stressed out and depressed with everything thats going on that I can't do anything but sleep. I seriously need to get another blood test done but with bills and everything going on I haven't felt right about adding another medical bill to my pile of collection bills. Ugh.
But I leave this stupid state at the end of this month which is in...Roughly 3 weeks. YAY!
I wont be able to take Buffy or James with me, and I had really hoped to, but Joey really wanted a clean apartment and there isn't a yard. I'm kinda bummed but life moves on, right?
Dawn will be taking care of James and my mom will take care of Buffy....About as well as my mom can take care of anything anyway. 3 Months. Then I'm gonna attempt to take them with me to VA. If Joey doesn't get a place that allows animals there, then I will probably stay with Nicole. I feel like that subject is really something that I can't just let go. It worries me because I don't think that Joey understands how important it is to me.
I had a dream that I was back at the old place, and there was only the old trailer and all the old buildings. It wasn't quite like I was remembering, and more like not everything had happened that did and I still lived out there, but by myself. There were no animals either, and I was just wondering around the backyard trying to get up the motivation to clean, or go do something and I came over this dirt hill and there had been a partial den like hole dug into the side of it and there was all this fur and I was trying to figure out what it was with out disturbing whatever was in there. AND IT WAS BABY RABBITS. I miss having baby rabbits. Anyway, it turns out that they're not just any kind of rabbits either, they just so happen to be rex's. So, then I spent the rest of the day trying to find a good cage for them and the mother, and food containers and water containers and then I found the dad so I found more of the same for him and then I went to call Joey because I was REALLY excited and realized it was a dream...at which point the disappointment woke me up. Damn
Well, gonna go help Joey buy a plane ticket.
Bye!

Everybody needs one!

Shakespeare Insult Kit

Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with "Thou":

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3

artless base-court apple-john
bawdy bat-fowling baggage
beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
bootless beetle-headed bladder
churlish boil-brained boar-pig
cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
craven common-kissing canker-blossom
currish crook-pated clack-dish
dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
droning doghearted codpiece
errant dread-bolted death-token
fawning earth-vexing dewberry
fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
impertinent fool-born gudgeon
infectious full-gorged haggard
jarring guts-griping harpy
loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
mangled hell-hated joithead
mewling idle-headed lewdster
paunchy ill-breeding lout
pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
puking knotty-pated malt-worm
puny milk-livered mammet
qualling motley-minded measle
rank onion-eyed minnow
reeky plume-plucked miscreant
roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook
spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
spongy rude-growing pignut
surly rump-fed puttock
tottering shard-borne pumpion
unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
vain spur-galled scut
venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
villainous tardy-gaited strumpet
warped tickle-brained varlot
wayward toad-spotted vassal
weedy unchin-snouted whey-face
yeasty weather-bitten wagtail

Ahahahaha! Simpsons rock

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

Food for thought

Listen. Do not have an opinion while you listen because frankly, your opinion doesn’t hold much water outside of Your Universe. Just listen. Listen until their brain has been twisted like a dripping towel and what they have to say is all over the floor.

Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only weblog, 02-14-2003



'Light fuse and get away' may work for a Roman candle, but not so much for the wrath of a woman scorned.

J. Jacques, Questionable Content webcomic, #678, 08-02-06